wouldn't it be awesome if we had no conscience? if we absolutely didn't care about anything. do whatever you feel like and not care. i know some people like that. and its awesome to see them happy. always. at least on the surface. i would love to be that happy. i would love to be that care free. i would just love it. all i would worry about is not worrying. no future, no expectations to live up to, not even your own. taking life one day at a time. and the saddest part is that all of this is just a matter of choice, a matter of attitude, a matter of thought. so its all there for me to take. the point is that i can't. maybe its the environment i grew up in. maybe my dad was always so practically oriented that i never knew what it felt like to let go. maybe i just think too much. maybe its just one of the side effects of being smart. or one of the side effects of thinking you are smart. you think you are special. you start believing that you are here the one who is going to make a difference to the world. you think too much.
someone i know told me once, "stop taking yourself so seriously." i am trying. trying to get there. and there lies the irony.
Here's something that I figured out about myself a while back. The only thing I need is my own approval. Thats all. I won't get my own approval by being mindless, by boozing, by partying or anything of the sort.
ReplyDeleteI don't know where they get their sense of self from- the people who dance and party and never think about the future. There is a fundamental difference between us it seems. My being is derived from logic, curiosity and confidence in my own competency, without these I do not exist.