Tuesday, March 29, 2011


Sometimes you just have that feeling. The weird feeling in your stomach. It's not the sinking feeling and it's not just knots of nervousness or excitement. It's a mix of the two. Maybe it's a new feeling all together, one that I still haven't been able to label.
I have it right now.



Nothing. It's still there.

The weirdest part is, that there is no reason for it.
Okay, that's a lie.
There are more than one reasons for it, but I won't list them all. Mainly because those people whom it concerns read the blog too (at least I hope they do).

Some of the reasons:
My friends aren't here. They'll be back in a few days. Some of them are here but they're busy with something or the other.
I found out last night that I got 1 on 60 in a test. That's 20 less than the average and that's 20 less than what I thought I'd get.
I've just come back to Pilani after a week long stay at home. Home, is something playing on my mind.
Yesterday I got nostalgic and had a long over due heart to heart with old friends. That's playing on my mind too.
There is another reason which I'm not going to talk about.

There are so many reasons. Yet, I'm not convinced that any one of them could cause physical symptoms. But then all of them together causing my stomach to curl makes no sense either. All of them are independent incidents that bear no correlation with one another at all. And none of them create any chaos in my life at all (well other than the 1/60 which holds the potential to wreck my future and see me selling sperm to earn some money, which also wouldn't get me a lot of money as no one would want a kid with a potato for a nose and a brain that gets ones on 60; you get the point).

Let's try drawing analogies here.
Imagine a kid who got a report card that has an F, expects to get back his favourite comic (read Playboy) tomorrow, expects his friends to come and have a party tomorrow, has an exam day after, and his younger brother just told him that he was adopted. Imagine the kid's state of mind. He's going to be a drug dealer. You can see it, can't you?

Let's try another one.
Imagine a teenage girl. Now now, don't get carried away. Imagine the clothes too. Now now, the clothes should be on her and not on the floor. Better.
So imagine a teenage girl WITH her clothes on. She was told her jaw line is too strong, she expects to get a new designer bag tomorrow, has been invited to a cooler set of people's party tomorrow, has her beauty pageant try outs day after, and her mom just told her that she'll bloom only at 19 cause that's how it runs in the family (Guys, I really spoiled her for you now, didn't I?)

Anyhow, I guess you have an idea. There are things to look forward to, there are things to dread and there is a lot to be done to not have to dread those things you have assumed you will have to dread anyway.

There is the fear of rejection, of failure, of the unknown. There is the happiness of... well happiness. And there is the general anxiety cause you think too much.

I guess it's just hormones. Oh wait, I'm not a girl... I guess it's just the shit that fucks things up in the bitch that's life. Oh wait, I'm not 15 any more either. Damn!

I guess it's just a lot of nothings given too much importance cause nothing really happens around me.

Yeah, I guess that's it.

The knots are still there by the way. But I must stop my ramblings cause I have to bathe, shave, clean my room, study, watch a movie, study some more and...

stop writing.