it time to change the calendar (i.e. it is time when you wish you knew vijay mallaya well, rather he knew you a little better).
ok, i'll be more serious this year. i'll try. ok, i won't, but i have to say it for political reasons.
in this note, i will thank some people. say something about this year and somethings about me. some of the people will know what i am saying, some won't.
The Freak Cho (FC)
all those people who endured the endless 'chemishrty' and 'physiks' labs, the "palakkanna call karoo ka?" threats and the akbar-birbal stories along with 'cheeni-kum', hats off. the sheer 'intensity' of it all should have killed us, but we made it through. or so we thought!
The Bored Exam
all those people who were with me when i was trying to bury my ego and my brain in order to clear this minor hurdle in my treacherous path towards doom, i say thank you. you threw your ego on the ground, just like i did, and peed on it, just like i did (only girls sat down to do so), this helped me along, for i realized that if lesser mortals can do it, so can i. and then began 6 days of endless brain insulting narendra prakashan and then some more days of writing the carefully crammed crap on the day of the 'exam'. and when the crap was over, we realized that the next stop is not much better.
Jaise Electric Execution (JEE)
all those people who tried to get through this alive and without suffering permanent physical, sexual, emotional or spiritual trauma, i commend your bravery. but we all now realize that it wasn't bravery, it was outright insanity! now, my fellow comrades (if males) you have earned yourself the lifetime pass of "no girls, only cheap fakes extravaganza!", (if females).. oh no point discussing hypothetical situation now, is there?
you will soon realize that the only way you can express your deepest frustration is /*insert obscenity here*/.
you my friends, have a done a great service to me. for you make me realize that i am not the only homo sapiens sapiens to have committed this blunder. thank you for making this world a more tolerable place for me to live in.
Bechare Itne Tarun Samlaingik (BITS) Note: Tarun-youth, Samlaingik-Gay
all those guys who were with me in my hour of mortal peril, in that one place on this earth that tells us what the post apocalyptic world would look like, to them i say thank you. you stuck with me pulling all nighters for tests, exams and no reason at all too. we ate the same mess 'food' and motivated each other to take another bite when our senses revolted and our hands ceased to move in the direction of our mouth. we read the endless tables together, wondering about the deeper meaning where there was none. the endless hours of himym and drooling at robin, the inspirational hours spent watching lenard in the big bang theory, giving me hope and the strength to dream again about the female form. all this while you were there making fun of me and reminding me that i will die alone, just to make sure i don't soar so high in my dreams that i crash hard. you are, and always will be the people whose pants i will take off for sadistic pleasure. thank you so much for being such an important part of my life.
till this point, the description was purely chronological. but there were some phases in my year which punctuated the timeline. they made me realize that even though i felt i am an engineer purely because of lack of talent, even though my soul tells me i'm not one, in the end i am. if these events would have been more pleasant, they could have been called my love life.
once the letter writing and the the stalking had ceased, came a long phase of scratching my head thinking "what the fuck just happened" along with thoughts like "dude, maybe you should major in stalking with an honors degree in being creepy".
Being A Monkey
the phone calls everyday and the continuous messaging stopped. the daily reports of our highly dubious board exam preparation and the investigations into the mysterious disappearances of religious objects from outside exam halls had stopped. weird but memorable and touching incidents like the incoming call of a crying girl at 3am had stopped. the endless hours of debate stopped (in which i was trying to make the voice of the heart (not mine, i don't have one) be heard and facilitating a choice of career not specializing in Microsoft office rather one in which one was to waste time and energy being 'creative'. also i was trying to understand and explain the emotions of the awesome creature who can have very convoluted emotions sometimes and evoke the same in you (read mother) and as expected, failing on both accounts). after all of this stopped, everything stopped. all forms of electronic communication stopped. as did the arrival of sky scraping bills! this time there was a phase that mainly contained the one 'realization', "i am going to die alone".
Being A Kid
in the midst of all this were 'small people' who made a big impact on my so called life. they were there in times being their weird best. being super hopeful of my becoming more normal, and more sorted out in my head, which was not to be. these people drew the most pure emotions out of me without any of the additives that so commonly get me the surprising titles of "sick-fuck", "perv" and "disgusting man". to the contrary these people very cruelly confer upon me titles of "teddy bear", "nice guy" and "such a sweetheart" making you wonder what evil acts committed by you could justify such atrocities.
then there are the diplomats. they very tactfully remain silent on any issue which requires one to express his/her opinion. they talk very sweetly and make you do the same, surprising you as you thought you were incapable of such acts. they go through excruciating agony every month yet play it down making you question your manhood when you think you suffer from any physical problem. as is the duty of all females, they make you feel worse about you in some way or the other and then they praise you making you feel awesome about yourself too. and you hate this, cause you know they are in control. but then all communication reduces to a trickle due to the massive minefield laid in the region of maximum exchange.
at last come the giants. these giants have a mysterious aura around themselves. they tell stories of massive transitions from a docile, dormant form to an aggressive and dominating present day form. they indulge in pleasures that only cause damage to the auditory sense of the mortal humans. they hold the ability to generate sound waves which can be interpreted as the anger of the heavens, the wrath of zeus, the very cause of earthquakes or the dawn of the day of judgement. they live in small herds of elite beings who hold an advantage over the lowly mortals like me, owing to their physical appearance. they reside in a place filled with highly specialized and highly trained neurons. not surprisingly, they have a very detailed and one of its kind mate selection programme which is so strict in its choice that it makes you wonder if they are in touch with the extra terrestrial who may make it through the programme as you are convinced that lowly mortal like you will never make it, implying no one on this planet will. yet, there seems to be some sort of bond growing between these giant and me. on one occasion both they and me pushed our boundaries of sleep to a new level and gave in to it only when both had fallen asleep in bed while talking to the other one. as this year comes to a close, hope remains that one day the programme is made easier. till then i have been given three particularly difficult tasks. one involving training of the three bones incus, malleus, and stapes in such a way that they may identify and vibrate harmonically with a certain set of frequencies which cause a pleasurable sensation in the giants. the second is for me to find a way to shift my area of residence to the neural paradise. and third, ensure that the hormones secreted in my body are interpreted in milder fashions to ensure larger plateaus of emotions of a particular kind. as for my physical appearance, that will be taken care of with time. as of now, the giants live in their world as the lowly mortals live in theirs. there exists a mutual respect for both. and the lowly mortals believe in their own awesomeness. while the giants wish to change the texture if their external covering over their neural net.
kindly excuse the pathetic end to the note. the first part was written on new year's eve out of happy emotions and personal drive while the second was written the next day purely due to reasons of reader satisfaction and consumer demand.
READERS ARE REQUESTED TO KINDLY IDENTIFY THEMSELVES AND LEAVE THEIR QUESTIONS AS COMMENTS. IF THEY ARE VERY PERSONAL QUESTIONS, KINDLY CONTACT ME VIA SECURED CHANNELS (this offer valid only in the absence of the Y chromosome).
YET ANOTHER NOTE:
all thoughts expressed in this work of literature are the thoughts of the author and is ready to face any social or legal inquiry or action that may be provoked by it. it will make the author happy if this action is severe.
this article is also available on my blog, to get its address kindly contact me through secured channels.
A NOTE WHICH WAS IMPORTANT ENOUGH TO FIND A PLACE EVEN AFTER THE FINAL NOTE:
Happy New Year :)
FOR THE GREATER GOOD:
kindly point out any spelling mistakes or typos that may have crept in.