Monday, November 29, 2010


Judgement: The final conclusion in the court of law after examining all available evidence and considering all testimony.

Testimony: A form of evidence that is obtained from a witness who makes a solemn statement or declaration of fact.

Fact: Verified information about past or present circumstances or events which are presented as objective reality.

: The existing conditions or state of affairs surrounding and affecting an event.

The problem with all these terms, as you may have noticed, is that they are used in each others' definitions. That means all of them are inter-related. And this also means that if you mess with one of them, you mess with them all. Mess with circumstances and the error finds its way to the top.

Sometimes in life, you can't give the complete testimony to the jury to clear your own name. Because that testimony would require the details of the circumstances around you at the time in question, so you mess with the facts. You don't fuck them over entirely, you just condense them to protect someone (not yourself, but someone). In doing so, you add your perspective and that changes objective reality into perceived reality and
that changes judgement.

And when your friends start judging you after the chain of events just explained, things start to go wrong in your head.

It is especially tragic when you live your life on the very simple principle of "I don't give a fuck about what he thinks, cause he doesn't know me."
When the people who you do know, and who know you start judging you, some shit goes down.
You start to wonder whether you are what you think you are, or if you're just trying to fool yourself, as you have fooled the others, into believing you are a genuine kid.

And hey, what if you've actually changed? Consider that. What if you are losing your innocence over time and are actually becoming a shrewd, thick skinned, UP gunda-type motherfucker who knows only three emotions: greed, anger and lust.
You always thought you had it in you. It was just a matter of how well you could suppress it. What if you can't anymore? What if that beast is out and on the prowl for new prey. What then? What do you do? It's not like you can hit Ctrl+Z and everything goes back to normal. I guess you write about it on a blog that you maintain to make yourself feel important and which you use like your very public confessional box.

Maybe what you do is forget about it. Maybe you just become what you always knew was the best way to be; you become comfortably numb.


  1. 1. I'd like to hear from you when you find out the answer to the question ... "if you're just trying to fool yourself, as you have fooled the others, into believing you are a genuine kid". This is something I've been struggling with for two years now.

    2. You know that I recently learnt the meaning of the phrase "Forgive yourself". I always had thought that was the dumbest thing one could say, but now I've come to realize that its the most important. And something makes me tell that to you. Whatever it is that is making you think that you are at fault, reason it out. Defend yourself. But not for long. Let the JURY OF THE SELF indict you. Then just forgive yourself. Accept the mistake and learn and promise. That is crucial. Else the pain can ruin things .. a lot of them.